12 strategies therapists use to manage their anger

Mental health specialists themselves sometimes turn to the techniques they teach their patients for better self-control.

WELL-BEING - A fishtail on the road, a colleague who lets you down on an important project, a family member whose political posts on social media make you want to scream... Even your spouse sometimes seems to have the gift of driving you crazy. Anger is a universal aspect of life — and the solid, knowledgeable therapist who counsels you every week is no exception.

These professionals may seem to hold the keys to everything, but they are human beings who also sometimes see red, reminds Amy Serin, clinical neuropsychologist and co-founder and scientific director of The Touchpoint Solution.

"[Our] theoretical knowledge of dealing with this type of emotion does not prevent us from reacting like everyone else: in the face of stress, we only need a second to get out of our hinges. In such moments, we can also show us to be impulsive, anxious or particularly touchy."

Luckily, she points out, a few good behaviors and neuroscience-driven tricks can help anyone curb those negative impulses to regain calm and the ability to think clearly. So what are our therapists' secrets for overcoming a surge of rage? We asked them for the most useful leads:

1. Apply the "STOP" technique

“To pass the crisis, my method can be summed up in these four letters,” says Katie Leikam, a therapist specially focused on the LGBT community, owner of the firm True You Southeast (Decatur, Georgia).

Each corresponds to a step:

S: say stop;

T: pause to breathe deeply and anchor yourself in the present moment;

O: observe what surrounds you;

P: think of an answer after integrating all the useful information.

"I take the time to control my anger, ask myself where it is coming from, observe what really happened and think of an appropriate response. This simple process has been a great help to me."

2. Think before you act

As soon as the mustard gets to her nose, Meg Josephson, a New York psychotherapist, "counts to three, objectively examines the facts and [to herself] asks, 'Do I really have any reason to get carried away like this?'

She then considers the consequences of letting her annoyance run wild. "This avoids excessive words, which are likely to leave lasting marks on a relationship."

3. Use your senses as a diversion

When rage invades her, Daniella Bloom, certified marriage and family counselor in Encino (California), counterattacks by oxygenating thoroughly: slow and deep inspiration through the nose, then expiration through the mouth. "The impact is direct on the brain, which goes from a fight or flight reaction to a relaxation allowing you to take things more calmly."

Another even more useful trick: she then mobilizes her senses, thus detaching her attention from what exasperates her. "I can step outside for fresh air, stomping the sidewalk to vent my aggression, inhaling a soothing essential oil, or turning to my playlists of soft music on Pandora or Spotify."

4. Have a mental rant

"It's often said that suppressed feelings never die, and that especially applies to anger," says Ti Caine, a hypnotherapist and life counselor who practices his Future Visioning technique in his office in Sherman Oaks, California. According to him, trying to control everything can have harmful consequences; it is better to live and accept your emotions by giving them space to express themselves.

However, it is often counterproductive to indulge your irritation on the spot. His solution: use the powers of the mind. He thus advises to let off steam through a mental scenario, for example by imagining in the process of giving a soap to the person who gets on our nerves – instead of doing it in reality. Empty your bag exactly as you would be tempted to in front of her.

5. Put a distance between yourself and your anger

"It's critical to create a separation between emotion and reaction, because it's the latter that can sometimes get you into trouble," says Danielle Swimm, a psychotherapist who treats patients with eating disorders at her practice Collide Behavioral Health. , in Annapolis, Maryland.

According to her, this latency time makes it possible to lower the steam, thus avoiding being in excess. "My favorite ways: go for a walk or take a drive, breathe deeply, set myself a deadline before doing anything."

For example, she always waits a day before responding to an email that would have made her furious. "That way I can think more rationally instead of getting carried away."

6. Analyze the reasons for his reaction

According to Kryss Shane, a mental health professional who specializes in issues of sexual orientation and gender identity, a little soul-searching can distinguish a very temporary frustration from a much deeper feeling.

"Faced with a fleeting irritation, it is often enough to take a deep breath and pause for a moment to regain your senses. Otherwise, there are also a variety of options."

For example, she recommends to her patients to play sports, to evacuate their emotions through a journal or to sing at the top of their voices. As for her, she found her ideal parade:

"For me, it's the dance that works best. Moving to music that I love often frees me from any annoyance."

7. Work on your breathing

LeKisha Y. Edwards Alesii, licensed psychologist and owner of the Durham, NC Emotional Health and Wellness Center, also relies on this method to better manage an influx of emotions.

"When the rage begins to mount — with all of its physical manifestations: tenseness, accelerated speech, shortness of breath, self-talk turning negative — I breathe deeply, focusing on this activity through mindfulness techniques that grounded in the present moment."

She fights such episodes through prevention.

"I anticipate by limiting my stress as much as possible, which prevents me from exploding. I try to spare myself little relaxation times throughout the day: a minute can be enough."

8. Take a minute to focus on something else.

Kari Ann Greaves, founder and director of the firm Reflections Counseling and Consulting Services in Wethersfield (Connecticut), gives herself a "minute break": a short walk, a glass of cold water or a simple peppermint drop.

"[It] allows me to relax and think about other things. I can then let go of the pressure and resume the course of my activities, even if it means coming back to the problem later."

9. Overcome received ideas

Crystal I. Lee, a psychologist in Los Angeles and owner of LA Concierge Psychologist, points out that we are often too quick to judge a fact or a person that upsets us.

"Take someone who would give me a fishtail: I can immediately consider that he is an unbearable driver, but also try to imagine his reasons. Assuming that if it is, he rushes to join a hospitalized loved one, I see my fury evaporate.

10. Turn your nervousness into a motor

“Politics often inspires me with a real feeling of revolt. So I try to draw strength from it to change things,” says Amy Bishop, marriage and family counselor at Springs Therapy, in Colorado Springs, Colorado. .

Thus, when the information makes her tremble with rage, she makes a donation to a campaign or a cause close to her heart or contacts the representative of her constituency.

"It allows me to redirect all that negative energy."

11. Challenge your impulses

Larry Stybel, a licensed psychologist practicing in Boston with OptiMindHealth, begins by imagining what he might be tempted to say or do in the moment. Then he dissects this reaction through three questions: "Is it wise? Is it up to me to take responsibility for it? Is it imperative right now?"

Going through these stages is not enough to completely calm him down, but enough to avoid any impulsive reaction. "To preserve one's psychic balance, it is essential to spare time between stimulus and action."

12. Gather your thoughts

"I've found that it's always very helpful to sit down and reflect," says Adrienne Alexander, a certified conflict management and resolution expert practicing in Atlanta.

Impossible to go back on words spoken in anger; it is better for her to formulate her grievances in writing.

"You can't imagine how many angry messages and texts I've written on my computer and never sent to anyone. to correct a misunderstanding, or to make people forget words that should never have been spoken."