I left everything to take my life in hand : from dream to reality

I left everything to take my life in hand : from dream to reality

It's good, I took the step: I left my CDI, everything resold or donated and shipped to Costa Rica on February 8th. As world tours become fashionable, the goal of this 360-degree change is not to enjoy extended vacations. I take my life in hand to understand what makes me happy and learn to make responsible and conscious choices. Here is the story of an ordinary girl looking for herself to be able to act positively on the world.

Chess game: from dream to reality

I remember my disappointment when I discovered the harsh laws of the corporate world. As a student at the end of my studies at a business school, I was determined to build a good professional career. After six months of internship to acquiesce all the ideas of my managers, even those that seemed to me less relevant or not at all relevant, I had the privilege to access the Holy Grail: a CDI with status frame! Then opened to me the royal road so coveted by young newly graduated workers. Due to internal organizational changes, additional assignments were quickly assigned to me. Proud of my new responsibilities, I did not count my hours anymore and tried to prove that I could take on this extra workload.

After a year of hard work, the company's sentence fell: I did not live up to their expectations. I did not understand why the recognition was not consistent with all the energy left on my desk, the stress and the pressure to reach the objectives. I felt like a simple, productive pawn in a chess game. But why need recognition if one is personally satisfied with one's achievements?

I was the frame bearing the number 345122, working in a harmonious open space of 50 people. I worked to achieve goals that seemed meaningless to me and I was asked to be more selfish to produce properly. I have the feeling of evolving in a world where many put their personal interests before their responsibilities towards others. I come to forget my values, forget what I am capable of and lose confidence in myself. I badge every morning, eat at the self almost every lunch, rebadge every night and come back with my car waiting for me wisely on the parking lot. I am on the verge of depression with the feeling of being a sheep.

Cocktail of addictions

I began to question everything and see my routine differently. Being honest with myself, it has always been that I feel at odds with society. I just did not want to admit it to myself because I could not understand my emotions and my state of mind.

Unfortunately for me, I found loopholes through different means. I go through periods during which I eat a lot (+ 8kg on the scale!), Programming real compulsive ingestion crises or "fat crises" as I like to call them. I nibble all day and use sugar as anesthetic to boredom, anger or fatigue. I excel in the art of compulsive shopping, which plunges me into a euphoric state during which I frantically buy everything and anything. Satisfied for a few hours, sometimes only a few minutes, I feel guilty and anxious. Of a very festive nature, I used many long nights of wild parties to fill a void. All week long, I waited impatiently for the weekend to be able to drown in alcohol and cigarettes this life that I did not like. This state of inhibition allows me to love, to dance, to shout, to let the adventurer who is in me express myself. The redbull vodkas regulate my emotions, I have the feeling to be stronger, to really exist and for a few hours I am amused to think that I am happy.

This cocktail of addictions does not agree with a stable love life. I fall in love but reject this happiness that reaches my arms for fear of attaching myself to a life that I do not wish. I do not want that, like shopping, food or alcohol, the man who will share my life and with whom I will found a family, a simple dose of morphine to support my daily life. I feel like I'm no longer in control of my life, like a rudderless boat that sails without a destination. I need a change, to stop something but I do not know what.

My salary allows me to sleep from time to time this evil that lies dormant deep inside me: I leave where I wish on vacation and I can acquire a lot of material goods giving me an ephemeral satisfaction. I am an example of what society expects from a well-formatted, obedient and consumerized sheep. I chose to stop paying the privilege of this stability.

What is the meaning I want to give to my life? On what criteria do I make my life choices? What is the equation that will make me happy? CDI well paid + find half + marriage + deed + children + retirement = fulfillment? What's the good of having a nice car or an apartment if I'm unhappy in it?

My first reaction was to repress these questions, saying that it was just a period of adaptation to the pace of working life. Despite this self-persuasion, these questions