How to forgive those who hurt us?

How to forgive those who hurt us?

Whether it's an unfaithful spouse, a parent who dropped you off as a child, or a friend who revealed your secrets, we all face the question of forgiveness. Should we really forgive, and if so how?

Now that you have been wronged and the initial wave of emotion has passed, you are faced with a new challenge: will you forgive that person? By forgiving, you give up your grievances and resentment so that you can heal.

Forgiving has very concrete effects; some research has shown that forgiving reduces anxiety, depression and decreases mortality.

While there are only benefits to forgiving others, in practice forgiveness can sometimes seem impossible. For this we must better understand what forgiveness is.

What forgiveness is not
To learn to forgive, we must already know what forgiveness is not. Indeed, most people have in mind at least some misconceptions about forgiveness. Here are 7 things that forgiving does not mean:

Forgiveness does not mean that you excuse the actions of that person.
Forgiving does not mean that you have to tell that person that you forgive them.
Forgiveness does not mean that you have nothing to feel when you think back to this event.
Forgiveness does not mean that there is nothing left to solve in your relationship, and that everything is perfect now.
Forgiveness does not mean that you must forget that this incident occurred.
Forgiveness does not mean that you have to keep this person in your life.
... And forgiving is not something you have to do for the other person, or just because they ask you.
When you forgive, you accept the reality of what has happened and find a way to live in peace with it. It's a gradual process, and you do not have to keep in touch with that person to whom you forgive.

Forgiveness is not something you do for the person who has wronged you. It's something you do for yourself only. You do not let this event ruin your life.

So if forgiving is something you do for yourself and it helps you heal, why is it so difficult?

Simply because forgiving requires effort, the will to forgive. Sometimes you do not have that strength because the wound is too deep, or the other person has abused the situation too much and / or feels no regret.

Thus, there is no point trying to forgive someone without having identified, felt, expressed and relaxed your anger and pain.

How to succeed to forgive?
When you have made the decision to forgive, it is necessary to go through several steps. Here are the 10 steps to succeed in forgiving:

1. Let go of your resentment and resentment
The-steps-of-forgiveness
You will never be able to turn the page as long as you keep this hatred of the other person inside you. You will continue to think about it and it will poison your life and your relationships. Accept the fact that it is impossible to change the past.

But allow yourself to express honestly how you feel. Rethink this event and say alone and aloud: "I'm angry because ____ betrayed my trust and I accept that it happened." Or "I accept that it happened and how that made me feel. "

Accept what the other person has done and acknowledge that you have no control over it. But you can control how you react to this situation. Of course, this will not happen overnight.

Nevertheless, you must make it a priority, and let go of your resentment. Make cardiac coherence or stick figure exercise to evacuate these negative emotions. If needed, seek the help of a therapist if this is not enough.

2. Take a step back on the situation
As you progress toward forgiveness, step back and think objectively about the pain you have felt. Is it possible to forgive such an act, or is it something you will not think about in a month?

Ask yourself, "Will I think about it again in six months, one year?" Only you can decide.

Do not forget your morality and personal beliefs when you analyze the situation with hindsight. Because it will allow you to know how to manage your relationship with this person.

If for you unfaithfulness is a very serious act, then cut ties with that person will be necessary to forgive (which does not mean forgetting!). Conversely, if you think this is an understandable act and you can go beyond, then forgive while keeping the links with that same person.

3. Rethink positive in the relationship

When a person hurts us, we we quickly depicted her as a heartless monster. Yet are there not times when you had fun or smart conversations? Times when you have done each other mutually?

Where were you just happy or satisfied to know that he or she was part of your life?

Make a list of all the little things that you enjoyed in this person. Write down all his qualities, all the positive things he or she did one day for you. Go from the most innocuous to the most important things for you.

Perhaps you will discover that his good deeds exceed those acts that hurt you?

4. Feel free to communicate to others your feelings
communicate-what-you-feel

Often, it is helpful not to keep negative feelings for oneself. If you are hurt and angry because of what happened, then talking to someone outside of the situation can help you gain perspective. To see things differently perhaps.

Do not underestimate the advice and help that others can give you about the situations you are living. Of course, talk about your problems only to people who listen, who will not judge you or criticize you.

To do this, discuss it only with a trusted friend or family member whose opinion you value.

5. Allow yourself time
A very important aspect to forgive is to give yourself time to think. If someone has wronged you, whether it's someone close or just acquainted, it's necessary to let the situation settle down a bit.

This will allow you to not act in the heat of the moment, and do something you regret.

Also, you may understand the motivations this person had when she told you these hurtful words. Of course, if you live with this person who has hurt you, it may be time to find another place to go, the time to take a step back.

If you do not live together, pause your relationship and reconnect only when you feel ready to do so.

6. Talk to the person concerned
Talk to the person,

When you feel ready to do it, even if it is not an obligation. Express the emotions that the other person made you feel by his actions. Be as honest as possible, and talk about the pain it has caused you.

Do not let emotions explode violently, even if you think this is justified. Take deep breaths between each sentence, trying to be as reasonable as possible.

Imagine how your words would come out of the other person's mouth, write them down in advance, and practice in front of a mirror to say exactly what you want without hurting the other person in return.

Look at the person in the eye and speak slowly, using the Gordon Method Message-I to stay objective.

Use phrases like, "I felt hurt when you spread rumors about me, because I do not think I did anything to deserve it." Or "I felt hurt when you told me deceived, because I have always been loyal and dedicated in our relationship and I thought you would do the same. "

Use the formula "I felt ____ when ______ because _____" to express your feelings, rather than talking about the negative things he or she did.

7. Listen to the other version of the story
If you had the courage to share your feelings with the other person, then listen to what she has to say. Listen to it actively, without interrupting it, to discover its version of the story.

Feel free to rephrase and clarify what the other person is telling you. For example, "So what you were saying is ..." Do not be defensive or offensive. Take deep breaths and stand back, if you feel anger rising from what is said.

Although empathy is the last thing you would like to show when you feel hurt, it can be helpful. Putting yourself in the other person's shoes can help you understand what the other person is feeling. In return, you will find the strength to no longer be frustrated and angry with her.

8. Start moving forward
Go forward

When trust has been broken or seriously undermined, it is normal to take time to accept that person again in your life. Do not feel obligated to reinstate immediately if you are not ready to do so.

It is better to cut the bridges definitely if you do not imagine for a moment restore your relationship.
Rebuilding a relationship takes time, we need to give the other the opportunity to prove to us that he or she is capable of doing better. If you used to walk together several once a week, reduce the frequency. If the relationship was more intimate, then start again from the beginning, as if you had just met this person.

Only by respecting your rhythm can you restore your relationship and allow yourself to forgive.

9. Leave the past to the past
Avoid continually rehashing what has happened as you seek to move forward. Continuing to think about it will prevent you from trusting that person, and your relationship will become bitter. The important thing is not to "forgive and forget" but rather to forgive and learn from this experience.

When your spouse has cheated on you and you have chosen to forgive him, understand that you can now recognize the signs of possible deception, or that you have a better idea of ​​the causes of infidelity and no longer let that happen. reproduce.

Every situation that happens in your life is an opportunity to learn, and make your relationship (or your future relationships) stronger and better.

If you notice that you are dealing with the past, then focus on the present moment. Take a deep breath and focus on what's around you. The smell in the room, the conversation with your friend, the contact of your clothes on your skin, etc.

10. Sometimes turning the page involves cutting the links
turn the page

Be honest with yourself, admit that you can not forgive him if he is not. Unfortunately, sometimes we think we can forgive, but we are forced to realize that it is impossible when you spend time with him or her.

Continuing to cultivate a platonic or romantic relationship, while you are unable to forgive is not good for you. Just as staying with your ex-partner is often an excuse for not stopping the relationship.

Yet bitterness and resentment will come back every time you see this other person, and it will destroy you little by little. Once you became aware that forgiveness was not possible for you, then cut ties, then get rid of your rancor (point # 1).

The final word
Do not forget to love yourself. For to forgive and to be able to turn the page involves loving yourself and forgiving yourself. Often, we are harder for ourselves than for others.
You may believe that you are not worthy of being loved, or that you have been too difficult with the other. This is not the case. Realize that you did everything you could at that time, and accept the events that occurred.

Learn to relax and love yourself, think back to what you've managed to do until today and you'll find that what happened is just an event in your life, not your entire life whole. You still have beautiful things to discover.

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